Have long left worldly life. Why did I leave it? I did it simply to engage in bhajana, devotional service. Bhajana of whom? Sree Krishna! Why bhajana of Sree Krishna? Sree Krishna is the sole Cause of all causes and I have an eternal relationship with Him only. Who is Sree Krishna? Sree Krishna is that Being Whose existence is saturated with complete bliss. By attracting all other living entities, He personally experiences bliss and bestows bliss upon them. He is replete with unlimited knowledge. The seers of the truth know Him in His three-fold aspect of eternal existence, complete knowledge and bliss. Tattwa-vastu, the Absolute Reality, Who is fully sat-chit-ānanda, is indeed Sree Krishna.

Who am I? As a part of His potency, I too am composed of eternal existence, knowledge and bliss. I am not vastu-tattwa, the Absolute Reality, but, as part of His potency, I also possess the features of eternal existence, knowledge, and bliss. Therefore, I have an eternal relationship with Him. What type of relationship do I have with Him? I have a relationship in every respect with Sree Krishna only. Sree Krishna has two energies: spiritual (parā) and material (aparā). As an eternally existent conscious entity (soul), a part of Sree Krishna’s parā energy, I am the cause, whereas my existence in the form of the effect (material body) is part of His aparā energy.

Knowing that I belong to Him in every respect, I renounced worldly life to eternally dedicate myself to His bhajana. My gross, subtle and spiritual bodies are forever related to Sree Krishna. Thus, with all my senses, at all times and all circumstances I will attempt to engage myself in His service alone. This is my devotional practice.

Now a question arises: was it not possible for me to stay in my normal worldly life to practice such devotion? Of course, I certainly could have remained there, but I would have had to cater to the tastes of others. This was the main obstruction I faced in living among those who were antagonistic to Sree Krishna’s service—it was most unpleasant. I never wanted to render my valuable life unsuccessful by spending even a moment of it in activities other than serving Sree Krishna.

To attain the opportunity to constantly engage my different senses in loving service to Sree Krishna, I, by great fortune, obtained the association of a most compassionate person who is the abode of affection and the dear-most servant of Mahāprabhu. With loving compassion, he overlooked my disqualifications and, to enrich my greed for bhajana, he accepted me as his own. Upon receiving a touch of his mercy, I enthusiastically resolved to engage all my senses exclusively and continuously in the bhajana of Sree Krishna. Consequently, I set out with determination to follow all the primary injunctions of the scriptures regarding the cultivation of knowledge of the soul, rather than this temporary material body.

Spiritually inclined persons, upon observing my cultivation of spiritual practices and indifference to material affairs, started to honor me, considering me to be a sādhu, a saintly person. Thus, I became respected everywhere. I had resolved to one-pointedly cultivate spiritual life by submitting myself for rectification as a disciple. Unfortunately, however, I once again started to hanker for the luxuries of this body and for worldly prestige, impelled by my previous bad saṁskāras (impressions).

I had always greatly revered and loved my Sree Gurudeva. Now, however, due to this burning urge to satisfy my senses, many a time I think of him as an obstacle to my devious ends, and have started to view him with a different attitude. I no longer consider him my well-wisher. I have some reverence for him, so I cannot control him. Nor can I accept his discipline, because it would hinder my whimsical nature. Thus, I find myself stuck in these two crises.

Although I had originally resolved to perform bhajana of Sree Krishna, gradually I have forgotten this aspiration. My endeavor now externally exists in name only. In fact, other than desiring to satisfy my senses, nothing brings any substantial delight to my heart. I used to consider myself fortunate upon gaining any opportunity to serve Sree Krishna, but now I see such opportunities as troublesome.

I used to feel blessed upon attaining service to Sreela Gurudeva, but now that very same service seems burdensome. I used to be enthusiastic to serve devotees, i.e.Vaiṣṇavas and saintly people, but now I am apathetic to the very suggestion of such service.

My mind becomes perturbed if I am not always praised and honored in every way by being offered an elevated seat, costly clothes, and palatable dishes. Fearing public opinion, I often feel too shy to openly express such expectations, but I wonder how long I would continue to be counted as a devotee if I did not receive all this.

The sole pleasure of my senses has become prominent, taking the place of Sree Krishna’s bhajana. Now my priority is to serve my senses. After or during the course of my selfish pursuits, if by chance some service to Sree Krishna or Sree Guru and Vaiṣṇavas is performed automatically, then and only then am I able to perform bhajana.

Although I used to sing the glories of Sree Hari, Guru and Vaiṣṇavas daily, now within my mind I consider myself non-different from them, i.e. equal to them. I am gradually trying to assume their position and I cherish the desire to attain the world, Vaiṣṇavas and Sree Bhagavān as my servants. My object of worship is my whimsical nature rather than Sree Krishna. In public gatherings, I never fail to collect fame as a great Vaiṣṇava by openly declaring myself the servant of the servant of Sree Hari, Guru and Vaiṣṇavas. However, the truth is that, within my heart, I refuse to consider myself inferior to them at any cost. The external respect I give to Sree Guru and Vaiṣṇavas is only a device to establish myself in society as a saintly man and thus earn prestige.

It is not that I have not reflected time and time again that I have become immersed in this sorry plight. I consider that knowingly or unknowingly I must have committed some vaiṣṇava-aparādha. Offenses to devotees inevitably lead to the waning of bhakti. Gradually, such offenders end up being victims of sensual urges and entrapped by kapaṭatā, or self-deception. I am sometimes able to detect my faults but, because I fear public opinion and the loss of my false pride, I am reluctant to please the devotees by humbly asking their forgiveness. I am more involved in satisfying the worldly-minded people to win their false adoration, thus becoming neglectful to the endeavors that please Sree Hari, Guru and Vaiṣṇavas.

Sometimes, to impress the ignorant, being eager for their adoration, I pretentiously take up the practice of solitary bhajana. Also, sometimes I take up the occupation of a mendicant, engaging in begging for my subsistence. However, none of these attempts satisfy my restless mind, and because I am unable to fulfill expectations of adoration, my unrestricted mind finds substitutes to satisfy it. In this way, my bhajana of Sree Krishna now culminates in attempts to secure wealth, please women in the hope of attaining their merciful glance (and make them do my bidding), or to secure fame. Seeing my wretched condition, my true well-wishers and friends on the spiritual path repeatedly counsel me to refrain from these whimsical activities, advising me to regulate my behavior according to the instructions of Guru, Vaiṣṇavas and śāstra. Previously, when I considered their instructions to be nectarean, I bade farewell to worldly pleasures and took up the performance of bhajana, spiritual practices. However, my extreme misfortune now keeps me in the guise of a saint, directly or indirectly impelling me to become mad in the pursuit of wealth, women, and false prestige. Instructions for my welfare no longer seem beneficial.

I had earlier heard about two paths: śreyaḥ, the superior spiritual path, and preyaḥ, the way of natural tendencies. I left preyaḥ to pursue śreyaḥ, but my misfortune has dragged me back to my old ways.

I am no longer eager to hear holy recitations of Sreemad Bhāgavatam or anything about Sree Bhagavān. How many times will I have to hear the same old stories? Drowsiness usually overcomes me as soon as I give my attention to such narrations. But sleep does not disturb me at all when I am engaged in common worldly gossip; I could remain wide awake the entire night. I have forgotten the words of Sreemad Bhāgavatam (2.8.4):

śṛṇvataḥ śraddhayā nityaṁ
gṛṇataś ca sva-cheṣṭitam
nātidīrgheṇa kālena
bhagavān viśate hṛdi

[For one who hears and discusses the all-auspicious topics of Sree Hari regularly with utmost faith, Supreme Lord Sree Krishna will manifest in his heart immediately without any of his personal endeavors.]

I have become forgetful of the message of Sree Krishna in Sree Gītā regarding abhyāsa-yoga, constant devotional practice. Having heard a few words about bhakti, I started considering myself as having professed it. I am convinced that with my senses, which are full of lusty desires, I have understood what a devotee is meant to be, and now only Sree Bhagavān remains to be known by me. I have forgotten that the transcendental aspects of bhakti and the bhakta cannot be understood with my mind, which is full of sensual desires. Similarly, I have forgotten the glories of surrender to the Supreme Lord and the spiritual master.

nāyam ātmā pravachanena labhyo
na medhayā na bahudhā śrutena
yam evaiṣa vṛṇute tena labhyas
tasyaiṣa ātmā vivṛṇute tanuṁ svām
(Muṇḍaka Upaniṣad 3.2.3)

[The Supreme Lord is not attained by giving discourses, by vast intelligence, or by possessing great knowledge of the scriptures. He is attained only by one chosen by He Himself, and He manifests His own form to that person.]

Even after repeatedly hearing these words of the Śrutis, I do not remember them. I have forgotten that by the ascending process one can never attain the association of the devotees and Bhagavān. Sometimes, my mind is inclined to perform austerities and, at other times, is inclined to perform pious activities. In spite of fully being aware that neither of these processes can bring one to the association of the devotees and Sree Bhagavān, I have now forgotten this.

rahūgaṇaitat tapasā na yāti
na chejyayā nirvapaṇād gṛhād vā

na cchandasā naiva jalāgni-sūryair
vinā mahat-pāda-rajo-’bhiṣekam
(Sreemad Bhāgavatam 5.12.12)

[My dear King Rahūgaṇa, unless one smears his entire body with the dust of the lotus feet of great devotees, one cannot realize the Absolute Truth. He cannot be realized by observing celibacy (brahmacharya), by strictly following the rules and regulations of householder life, by leaving home as a vānaprastha, by accepting sannyāsa, or by undergoing severe penances in winter such as keeping oneself submerged in water or surrounding oneself in summer by fire and the scorching heat of the sun.]

naiṣāṁ matis tāvad urukramāṅghriṁ
spṛśaty anarthāpagamo yad-arthaḥ
mahīyasāṁ pāda-rajo-’bhiṣekaṁ
niṣkiṣchanānāṁ na vṛṇīta yāvat
(Sreemad Bhāgavatam 7.5.32)

[Unless they smear upon their bodies the dust of the lotus feet of a Vaiṣṇava who is completely freed from material contamination, persons strongly inclined toward material life cannot be attached to the lotus feet of the Lord, who is glorified for His uncommon activities. Their intelligence cannot be fixed at the feet of the Lord unless they are freed from material contamination, which is possible only by smearing the foot dust of a Vaiṣṇava.]

I have forgotten the earlier vows in pursuit of devotion that I took in the presence of my spiritual master. Those vows were based upon thinking myself to be the servant of the servants of Sree Krishna and the process of service to Sree Krishna along with His associates, while not allowing any selfish ambition to remain within me. I started to perform bhajana with the highest objectives to be had within the realm of this universe. Why have I then rejected it all to take up the insignificant and temporary pursuits of trivial sense enjoyments, which are generally misery-bound? I do not reflect upon the cause of this with a sober frame of mind.

Sometimes I think that to maintain my life ample wealth is necessary, that a woman who can submissively cater to my whims is necessary for the satisfaction of my senses, and that material name and fame are required in society. Even though I earlier understood these to be hindrances to my devotional practice, due to my misfortune and immersion in the pretense of yukta-vairāgya, I read such verses as:

jāta-śraddho mat-kathāsunirviṇṇaḥ sarva-karmasu
veda duḥkhātmakān kāmānparityāge ’py anīśvaraḥ
tato bhajeta māṁ prītaḥśraddhālur dṛḍha-niśchayaḥ
juṣamāṇaś cha tān kāmānduḥkhodarkāṁś cha garhayan
(Sreemad Bhāgavatam 11.20.27-8)

[Having awakened faith in the narrations of My glories, being disgusted with all material activities, knowing that all sense gratification leads to misery but still being unable to renounce all sense enjoyment, My devotee is engaged in My worship with great faith and conviction that only by performing devotion to Me can he become successful. Even though he is sometimes engaged in sense enjoyment, My devotee knows that all sense gratification leads to a miserable result, and he sincerely repents such activities.]

I reflect that, after all, in my stage of sādhana, which is full of anarthas, bad habits are bound to exist. I, therefore think that these statements have given eternal license to my passions. But these statements actually mean that gradually one must control these inferior habits and selflessly endeavor for bhajana.

I support my anarthas on the strength of another fault by thinking that for a sādhaka these anarthas are bound to exist. This fault is known as vipralipsā, the tendency to cheat. There is no scriptural support for such unrestricted indulgence of the senses. This too, I have forgotten. Until I become eligible to relish śuddha-bhakti-rasa and absorb myself in the service of the bhaktas and Sree Bhagavān, śāstra has cautioned me not to give up bhajana but to perform it while accepting those sense enjoyments that are necessary, all the while condemning them. If I do not condemn such sense enjoyments but fondly accept them, I will have no way of ridding my heart of them. I have forgotten all these statements.

In fact, meditating upon the glories of lust, sense enjoyment, the association of women, the accumulation of wealth and worldly fame, will surely lead me to eventually become attached to them. I came to perform exclusive bhajana of Sree Krishna, but have been allured by the glories of associating with women. I have rejected celibacy to yearn for marriage; I have neglected consideration of the type of fate that awaits me.

Previously, I affirmatively renounced this world but, by contemplating momentary pleasures afforded by wealth while forgetting the grief that accrues by such ventures, I have become enamored by this endeavor to accumulate it. I am eager to win the fickle adoration of worldly people who are blinded by their madness for sense gratification, and I do not reflect upon the anarthas that accompany such deeds. I have therefore disregarded the instructions of Sree Hari, Guru and Vaiṣṇavas, and have displeased them. At times, in my mad pursuit of distinction and prestige, I have not only neglected and offended them but have become opposed to them.

It is not that my dismal state of affairs has not disturbed me. Many a time I have analyzed my unrestricted life, and how, by leading it, I have spoiled my chances of attaining the lotus feet of Sree Krishna, Who is supreme auspiciousness and full of bliss. Therefore, I have committed the greatest harm to myself.

Within my mind I sometimes become determined to lead a righteous life in every respect, but impelled by the results of my previous actions, sometimes, unknowingly, I become unrighteous. In this state, I ask, “Is there any hope for my ultimate welfare?” I definitely think so.

I may fail any test in any circumstances but I will not be discouraged. I will continue to traverse the path of sādhana-bhajana. My master, who is eternally worshipable for me, and who is most compassionate and the deliverer of the fallen, will definitely shower his blessings upon me. Krishna kṛpā karibena’ dṛḍha kari’ jāne: “A fully surrendered devotee knows for certain that Sree Krishna will be kind to him.” (Sree Chaitanya Charitāmṛta, Madhya-līlā, 23.25)

Dublo yadi nā to dube dube vā: “Even if my boat has sunk and I am drowning, I will not give up my efforts.” This principle will give me strength. I will not become bereft of hope at any time. No tendency other than bestowing bliss can remain in Bhagavān, Who is the embodiment of complete bliss. He is the controller of everyone, and therefore in His dispensation, there must be an arrangement to bestow bliss, and only bliss, upon me. I am His servant, so He will surely protect and maintain me. Of this, there is no doubt:

bhūmau skhalita pādānāṁ
bhūmir evāvalambanam
tvayi jātāparādhānāṁ
tvaṁ eva śaraṇaṁ prabho
(Vijñaptipanchaka 3)

[Just as the ground is the only support for those whose feet have slipped, You are the only shelter even for those who have offended You.]

Remembering this statement, again and again, begging everyone forgiveness for my offenses, and fully dedicating myself with determination to the service of Bhagavān and His dear associates, I will continue to offer prayers to the devotees and the Lord with a service attitude. It is only by their merciful blessings that I can overcome all my tendencies other than to perform bhakti and attain bliss by rendering service unto them. Service to the devotees and the Supreme Lord is indeed my bhajana, my devotional practice.